


The Future's Unclear, but I Know This is True

by deadmemedaddy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Self-Discovery, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 00:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16106912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadmemedaddy/pseuds/deadmemedaddy
Summary: Dan reflects on his future





	The Future's Unclear, but I Know This is True

Late at night, when it was just him staring up at the ceiling, Dan sometimes wondered if his life would be easier if he was dating Phil. His future would be more definitive to say the least. They were, by all standards, completely platonic. But Phil was also more than a best friend in some regards. Their relationship was very much co-dependent, more so than most best friends or flatmates. Their livelihoods were hopelessly entangled, with their brand of Dan and Phil, their gaming channel, and the constant fear that their audience would lose interest if they no longer presented themselves as a package deal. For Dan, at least, Phil also represented even more. After the novelty of meeting his YouTube idol had worn off, he realized that he had gained something arguably more valuable: a best friend. He hadn’t had the closeness of platonic, emotional intimacy his whole life. To now have another person who he could trust, who he knew would notice when he wasn’t doing ok, was groundbreaking. It was healing, in a sense. 

Throughout his childhood, there was a sort of underlying pain from feeling like no one truly cared about him. Being bullied constantly can have that effect. It was compounded by having friends who of course liked him and cared about him, but never considered him their closest friend. At home, he was loved. He knew this. But he did not have helicopter parents. As his mental health declined, he knew that he could have said something and they would have tried to help. But the fact that they didn’t notice on their own secretly hurt. So when Phil came along and made him feel like he was finally important and made an effort to notice him like no one else had, was it any wonder that he grew attached to that source of happiness, that person who made him feel worth something?

They were not young anymore, and Dan’s idolization of Phil had faded with irritation over contact lens pots on taps and cereal stealing and sharing a bathroom. But also with that time came a familiarity, a fondness and affection for this weirdo he shared his life with. There was comfort in their little routine, in their shared home, in the easy conversation between them, and the “us against the world” mentality, and they combated their mutual social awkwardness by using one another (admittedly as a crutch sometimes) to stave off the stress of interacting with the outside world. Because why wouldn’t they want to be with each other when it was so much easier? The conversation flowed smoothly with no fear of saying the wrong thing.

So when Dan imagined his future, things were now so much more complicated than before. He had always wanted kids and a wife, but now he felt like there was another option, sitting there waiting for him to grab it. From the dark quiet of his bed, he pictured a future where he and Phil continued to live together. The place wasn’t important; maybe they’d stay in London, or get a work visa and live in the US for a few years, or perhaps even buy their own home further away from the city. They could finally get a dog. Dan would be happy with this scenario, he thought. It would be peaceful. But was that what Phil wanted? He wasn’t sure. He was afraid that bringing it up to Phil would cross some unspoken line, treading into uncharted territory.

All these thoughts bounced around in his head as he pondered what life would be like if they were together. It wasn’t as though Dan was the straightest guy out there; there were plenty of guys that he saw and thought, “man, I’d like a piece of that”. Sometimes it was a celebrity, or a hot guy on the street, and Dan had to remind himself not to ogle their ass. If Dan was being brutally honest with himself, like he was tonight, sometimes that person was Phil, when he wore a t-shirt that showed off his chest and shoulders. Or when he shuffled into the kitchen for his morning cereal in his boxers and a hoodie, sporting glasses and rumpled hair. How could Dan not admit that his best friend was extremely aesthetically pleasing? He was. Dan had always been interested in women and he felt that he always would be. The idea that he liked men more than he had originally thought had begun to unsettle him. But what were labels, anyway? Dan rolled over and shoved the thought out of his mind. It was a crisis for another time, he thought, and he eventually fell asleep.

Dan pulled a blanket over himself and Phil as they settled onto the couch for some TV. Their knees knocked together occasionally because they were a little closer together than most friends sat, but it was normal for them. A ghost of a smile made its way to Dan’s mouth as he pulled up the latest show they were watching and pressed play. Next to him, he felt Phil pull his legs up to his chest and lean a bit heavier into Dan. Sometime after the opening had ended, Phil dropped his head onto Dan’s shoulder. Dan felt warm and content. He took the time to appreciate the lazy atmosphere and the warmth of Phil pressed up against him. Half an hour into the show, a stray thought crept into Dan’s mind from a while back. Again, he wondered about how his future would be affected if he was dating Phil. He realized that any future he imagined without Phil in it was incredibly painful to think about. He didn’t want to give up their TV sessions on the couch, or hours browsing on their respective laptops in comfortable silence, or quiet mornings that were really more midday, or the feeling of always having your best friend a room away. But what did that mean? What were the implications of that? 

“Dan?” Phil asked in confusion, lifting his head to peer sideways at Dan. Phil must’ve felt Dan tense up. Shaking off the sudden stiffness in his shoulders, Dan took a steadying breath and worked on loosening his muscles. He looked over to find his friend looking at him expectantly, probably wanting an explanation for the strange behavior. Dan just shook his head.

“I’m good,” he mumbled softly. He gave Phil a gentle smile and turned back to the TV to pretend to watch it. He could feel Phil’s eyes linger on him a moment longer, but he didn’t question Dan. He eventually returned his head to its spot on Dan’s shoulder to presumably refocus on the show.

Dan wasn’t sure what would become of this realization, but in that moment, he tossed the thought aside and simply enjoyed the present. He lived in the moment, even if it was just for that one hour, and appreciated what was, and didn’t think about how unclear the future was. Because maybe, just maybe, it would all turn out ok.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! Kudos and comments are much appreciated:)


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